all it does is attempt to update, and then nothing

That happens sometimes. Not often, but I had this issue two times yet.
Try reapring Steam (there should be an option when you start the installer tool again) or reinstall Steam completely. You can copy your gamefiles from your steamapps folder to somewheere alse so you don't have to downloasd them again when you install Steam again.

i wish i had of read that 20 minutes ago T_T